My Nigeria: of resilience, helplessness and a shared identity

“Learned helplessness was first demonstrated by Martin Seligman and his colleagues. They identified conditions under which dogs would demonstrate apathetic behavior when they were punished by means of electric shock. In the experiment, dogs were continually electrocuted to the point where they simply accepted electrocution and did not try to escape it. The dogs learned, correctly, that electrocution was unavoidable, and with this acquired knowledge, they simply lay down on the surface of their cages and took the shocks. By doing so, they demonstrated what is meant by learned helplessness.” Learned Helplessness as a Correlate of Psychosis: Examining evidence of learned helplessness in various types of schizophrenia. Published on January 4, 2014 by Dr. Ann Olson, Psy.D. in Theory and Psychopathology

Every morning I wake up, say a prayer, head to the gym to do some running, get dressed, head to work, study, speak to friends and loved ones. pretty normal life, you might say. If someone were to follow me around they would imagine that i was happy and all was well.

It isn’t.

I, like many other Nigerians, am scared. I’m terrified and sad, at the state of my beloved country. I never would have dreamed that i would be living in a place like this, where the reports of numerous people dying becomes so frequent that the mind is almost numbed to it. Numbers are thrown around: 500, 234, 70, 90, 50, 4, these are not just numbers, these are lives that have been cut short, people that have died senselessly. 

These are people who woke up in the morning trying to get to work, like i do everyday, and died burning, or cut down, or gunned down, over a grudge they had nothing to do with. Children, who for the sake of a better life, went to school in the morning, and found themselves being herded off into the forest, at gunpoint, to serve the whims of wicked monsters they did not offend. The tales of tragedy scare me. they make me angry, they make me sad. 

I, like many other Nigerians, am heartbroken. I weep for the orphaned children, the suddenly childless mothers, the number of people living in total fear, of an enemy they could not possibly imagine. An enemy with an indiscriminate bloodlust. For these people, death has become a part of their reality. Innocence has been lost forever. Their homes, their schools, their churches and mosques could become their tombs at any time. the mental torture that these people have been subjected to will manifest in more serious ways in the near future, in their anger and resentment at a country that does nothing but try to kill you. I weep for this generation of Nigerians.

I, like many other Nigerians, am angry. I am angry because I feel helpless. I am angry because the institutions tasked with the protection of lives and property, the security and well being of citizens, that most basic tenet of what it means to be a human being, are failing. No matter your political allegiances or familial connections, it is a glaring fact that has to be accepted by all, for us to even move forward. Do i believe that there is high level complicity by the military, the government or any other conspiracy theories? I do not. I have family members in the military, men and women of unquestionable character and integrity, who have ben risking their lives for this country since even before i was born, but the fact is that this is a threat that seems to have overwhelmed even this patriotic class of Nigerians. 

There is a place and a time to ask why. Why are these things happening? Who is behind this? What do they want? I don’t believe that time is now. This is the time for leadership, this is the time for ownership. This is the time that we as Nigerians must come together to condemn and fight back at this common enemy, because that is what this is. This is not the time for name calling, This is not the time to insult the President or the armed forces, this is the time to act. 

When people are afraid to go to work, to go to the market, to go to school, then the enemy succeeds. When we are divided amongst ourselves, with half of us calling the president and government incompetent fools, and the other half of us taking up arms in defence of these institutions, then the enemy succeeds. When those who should know better, the religious leaders who have, by virtue of our Nigerian spirituality, ascribed so much power to themselves, when they speak untruths, hypocrisy and cowardice, to protect their positions or deliberately mislead, this demonic enemy succeeds. When those amongst us, full of patriotic fervour, decide to take to the streets, or start campaigns to persuade the government to act, and we sit at home and criticise them and their motives, the enemy succeeds. When we complain about how Nigeria was set up to fail 100 years ago by the British, and how we need to break up to survive, the enemy succeeds. When we resort to ethnic and religious bigotry, blaming other tribes and faiths, or insensitivity to the suffering of others, when we refuse to give help, no matter how small, to those around us in such obvious need, this enemy succeeds.

We as citizens of this great nation must strive to do as much as we can to protect our neighbours and ensure that we and our children have a safe place to live in.

We as YOUTHS have an even greater imperative than our parents to do this. In a nation with over 70% of us under the age of 30, we have no other hope but a strong, safe Nigeria. 

The rest of the world, whether we like their interference or not, also has a responsibility to offer assistance to the government of Nigeria. There are 170 million of us, the world is not big enough for a Nigerian refugee crisis. 

Invention is at the very core of what it means to be Nigerian. We create electricity for ourselves, we tap water for ourselves, we create economic opportunities in the midst of unemployment. We are loud, We are entrepreneurs, We are friendly, We are beautiful, We are colourful. We are strong, We are big, We solve problems. This is what it means to be Nigerian. This is who we are. I have seen many people writing about a lack of shared identity, but you can go to any corner of the country, and you will meet people who possess the qualities i have talked about. This is who we are. This is where we have to start from. This is what we have to reinforce. This is the reason why my father could go to Borno all those years ago to set up a hospital, learn the language and raise children there. This is the reason why entrepreneurs from the east have always built thriving businesses in the North. North, south, east and west, We all depend on each other. This is unquestionable. This is not negotiable. We are all fully invested in this nation, and we cannot throw her future away.

What can we do to help, as citizens? 

1. We have to be vigilant: http://www.npf.gov.ng/emergency-contact Here is a list from the Nigeria police website with the mobile numbers of the CP’s and senior officials of the force. I know there is a lot of cynicsm about this, but you absolutely HAVE to report any suspicious behaviour around you. we all have that responsibility. find out who is in charge, the details of your nearest police station, find out names of officers, find out numbers and call them. 

2. We have to be Proactive: A democracy is only as strong as the citizens are. we have to be aware of what is happening, and put pressure on our elected representatives to tackle this issue head on. you and i don’t have the power to send soldiers to Chibok, but we can make sure that the representatives that we have put in government do that, because they are accountable to us. I cannot understate the importance of social media, but above that there have to be active, fearless engagement with people in authority, to make sure that they act. 

http://www.change.org/en-GB/petitions/over-200-girls-are-missing-in-nigeria-please-help-find-them-bringbackourgirls

This is a petition for the Nigerian Government over the 234 missing girls, please sign and share, and spread awareness. We can underestimate the power of social media in Nigeria today, but everyone can see that its becoming increasingly useful and important in creating and sustaining awareness. it will only get more important in future. understand it, use it, but also go out in the world and demand answers.

For my friends joining protest marches, i urge you to be careful, to be vigilant and to keep track of the reasons why you are demonstrating. peaceful protests will do the job, riots will not. 

3. We have to be tolerant: What we are facing is not an attack on christians, neither is it an attack on muslims. it is the systematic assault on every Nigerian. these are people trying to put fear in our hearts, the fear of them, the fear of our neighbours, the fear of other religions and tribes. we refuse to be afraid, we refuse to discriminate, and we refuse to be broken. We are Christian, Muslim, we are Igbo, Ijaw, Yoruba or Fulani, but we are NIGERIAN. One Nigeria. 

We have to fight ignorance wherever we see it. It is our duty to educate people and correct our friends, colleagues and families when we hear incorrect, bigoted statements. such thinking will not help us out of this, but will deepen and prolong our suffering.

4. We have to be compassionate: Right now there are thousand of people that have been displaced from their homes as a result of this crisis. there are children with no parents, there are people who have lost everything valuable. we have to contribute to these lives, we have to help them. there are hundreds of people in hospitals with little or no blood in some cases. there is always something we can do to help, to reassure our brothers that the country cares for them, cares for its people, and they have a future here. 

The guys at Lifebank have built an amazing app that makes finding and donating blood easier: https://www.facebook.com/LifeBankApp

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Communities-Without-Boundaries-International/195121830505148

Communities without borders are helping out in Northern Nigeria too, I will find other charities helping out, and even if you cant physically support them i beg you to engage with them, donate, and provide any support that you can

We are not helpless. We are facing something that, while a new phenomenon, has been bubbling under the surface for a while,

because of priorities that we have collectively refused to address until now, for whatever reason. But if God keeps us, I am RESOLUTE in my conviction that my generation will be different. We will prioritise education, employment and we will address and learn from our history, no matter how dark it may be. The lesson not learnt is the mistake repeated. 

God bless Nigeria, God bless us all.

Theres a science to walking through windows..

*Blows cobwebs away from keyboard*

Happy New year to whoever’s reading this (myself). Last post was in October, and so many different, beautiful and sad things have happened to me.

The only reason i keep this blog is that it still feels somewhat like an outlet, or as much of an outlet as i’ve ever been willing to use. I still cringe when i imagine anyone who knows me in real life discovering this. I’m not a particularly expressive person, I feel like i can handle keeping lots of information, emotions, and frustration inside myself, without feeling the need to get a pet, or a journal, or a best friend. I’m always surprised when people ask me why i don’t update this regularly, firstly because seriously? People read this? and secondly because its just not that type of thing (Or i’m not that kind of person). I never think “Oh i should write today”, sometimes i just have a random story that pops in or i see a funny news item or something. Everything here is just random, freshly pressed train of thought when i happen to be around a keyboard. Thats why the posts are rambling all the time.

Anyways, since I’ve gotten that ‘explanation’ out the way, I’m great, thanks for wondering. I moved back home toward the end of 2013, and despite my whining on the last post, its not been that bad. I’ve got a relatively great job, a business i care about thats doing well, beautiful family and friends who have refused to be pushed away by my lack of any form of emotional intelligence. I’m thankful for all that.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about mortality, about the fragility of life, and the human body. We have a very close knit extended family, and the loss of one of our brightest, most intelligent and bravest members really shook me. Death doesn’t particularly scare me, but loss, and hurt, and causing hurt do. Sometimes i find myself negotiating unconsciously with myself like “well, if you had to die young, what milestones would you at least want to achieve” or “I just want to die at a point where it would cause the minimum sense of loss and sadness to those who love me”. I know its a bit weird thinking about death so much, and one of my friends thinks i should see someone, but i think being acutely aware of your mortality can be healthy. It focuses you, forces you to prioritise, cut out the unnecessary things and people from your life, and try to live as freely and fulfillingly as you can.

Speaking of people, I’ve had them coming and going out of my life like rotating bank doors. Its been hard to cut some relationships, but necessary. I’ve hung on to relationships i shouldn’t have, just because there were some great times in the past, even when its become obvious to everyone else, how unhealthy that association has become. its been hard, but i finally steeled myself up toward the end of last year and did that. Its not burning bridges per se, just an acknowledgement of the pretence and insincerity of those relationships, and i think its best for everyone. I entered the new year without feeling the need to suppress frustration, to lie and smile and say i was in a good place with a person, without all that baggage. It helps that my work leaves me largely isolated for most of the day, severely limiting the number of relationships i can juggle anyway.

There are regrets though. As i’ve gotten older, more mature, had more successes  and even more losses, I think i’ve become a better person to understand, accept and even love. I know for a fact that there is a remarkable difference in how i treat the people in my life now, compared to even a year ago. However, in that period, I’ve pushed away some genuinely beautiful people. I’m suspicious about letting my guard down, wallowing in my continued misery about having been badly  burnt before, but pushed away someone who genuinely cared about me, the only real reason being that i wasn’t able to accept all that love, at the point in my life that i was. I still think about her, wonder what could have happened, sometimes i miss her so much it physically hurts, but nothing comes of it. maybe i’m a coward, maybe there was another reason i couldn’t articulate, something subconsciously wrong between us, that I’ve decided  to acknowledge, I don’t know actually. all i know is i was happy, and i’m grateful for that chapter, and have decided to continue with the next story.

Do you ever feel like you’re living your life from outside your body? I feel that all the time. I experience Joy, pain, success, loss, everything in third person. its why people think i’m calm and collected. who knows if i really am? I’m just bemused and detached from stimuli so much of the time, and everything that happens feels like i’m watching a tape and running a commentary. my favourite music feels like a soundtrack, tastes, touch, smells, they feel like memories. I’m cynical about everything because half the time, news stories, gimmicks, conversations all feel like Deja Vu. Theres no reason to go to a nightclub on friday because you’re not going to experience anything different from the last friday you went there, that sort of thing. One of my resolutions this year was to enjoy myself more. I’ve put together some savings over the past three years so i could travel this year. The way it’s looking now, i’ll have to push that to next year, as this year is a monumental one for me and a few people i care about, and i’m going to have to be around a lot.

I think i’ve come pretty far in the last year. this time last year, Dania asked me to join in the ‘Return mail’ series on her website, the result was one of the most depressing things i’d ever written lol.

I remember you saying it, but I didn’t listen to you. I was caught up in your beauty, and your fragrance, the sweet smell of your blood, that I never realised how I was killing myself, for you.

You said it so many times, “Lions are meant for cages, to look at, exclaim, fantasise and walk away. You dare not let them walk around you, or move them into your house, I mean, they bite”

I paced around my cage in my private moments, thinking about what I could do to make this beautiful woman love me. Not the sort of love you told me you had, from the other side of the bars, but a love such as I had been scared to accept from anyone before. I refused to accept that I was just for your entertainment, for your squeals of delight, to show off to your friends and listen to their collective oohs and aahs.

My friends tried to warn me too, but who were they? What did they know about situations like this? A love so strong between a woman and a Lion? “It’s unnatural. never ended well” they said. “She’s never going to truly love you. Love isn’t what Lions do see? Lions are mysterious. They’re different from everyone and that makes them entertaining. But they’re dangerous too, and she knows that. You don’t love them, because they’ll hurt you. She knows that. Everybody knows that.”

“If that’s what it means, I don’t want to be a Lion anymore.” I thought to myself. “I’m not good enough for her, this goddess. I’ll work on myself. I can’t be a Lion anymore. I don’t want to hurt the love of my life. I’d kill myself a hundred times before I let my primal instincts cause her pain”

So I got to work. I scrape-scrape-scraped at my mane. Rolled myself in the mud, made it wet, and scrape-scrape-scraped again. This mane, this symbol of my heritage, of who i am, it sickened me. I couldn’t bear to look at it in the water anymore. I scrape-scrape-scraped it all off. What a sight I must have been to my friends. Trying so hard to change myself. I struck my paws against the stones until I bled, one by one I broke off all my claws. Howling from the pain, but with joy in my heart, for once my lover saw me, she’d know I would never hurt her again..
I stopped eating meat, for all flesh reminded me of the harm I could accidentally cause you, if I didn’t get myself in check. I trained myself. Ate grass, fish, wood, like if other animals can do it, why can’t I?

When I heard you were here again, my heart leapt. Finally! Finally my lover would see me and believe me. All the times we spent together, all the things you told me, all the good times, secrets we shared, finally you would see me and allow yourself to Love me the way I hoped you would. I’d made all these changes and I just wanted you to see how much I was willing to change for you, how much I loved you, somehow I felt that would be enough..

Its been months now, since your final rejection, and I’m healing. I guess I should thank you, for if I didn’t get my heart shattered into a million pieces, suffer from the pain of Love unrequited, I wouldn’t have learnt to appreciate myself for who and what I am. My shortcomings, My oddities, My Strength. I would never have understood the futility in trying to deny who I am, for now I know that true love can only work between two people who appreciate who they and their partners are.

Thank you.

My days. That was supposed to be a valentines day post.

Goes to show though, sometimes wallowing feels like the easy option, but time makes it look stupid in retrospect. Its not like i’m in a drastically different place this year; still functionally single, overworked, studying for examinations, trying to build a business from the ground up in the 5-6 hours of spare-time i have in a day, running on coffee, charm and prayers, but you know what, everyday i wake up and see concrete proof that i’m moving forward.

Can’t be sad about that. 🙂